Whole 30: whole lot of pain or whole lot of yumminess? Part 4

Funny, when one is feeling raw and guilt-ridden, any observations and/or contributions to the conversation start to take on tones of judgement and smugness and sound substantially less like helpful wise words. Plus – and I don’t know if anyone shares this particular phenomenon with me – in trying to talk without crying, my face resembles a melting passionfruit cheesecake: all runny, yellow and snotty-looking because, of course, I am crying and my nose is running and I’m speaking some incomprehensible language. (To those who took the time to watch the cheesecake melt and interpret the blub, blubber, blubbing, my thanks and kudos; and, if I have put anyone off eating passionfruit cheesecake, my apologies. No, not really. More for me when I’m off the Whole 30! Ah… dairy… sigh!)

Day five: I went nuts! Nuts for breakfast, nuts for lunch, nuts for dinner, nuts with anyone around me, nuts to anyone who crossed my path. I was missing my husband. I was missing my dogs. I was missing my computer. I was missing my mind. Apple, not the pink lady variety, called to tell me the part for my laptop would be available in seven to ten days. Holey undies Batman! I’m going to come down there and chomp you up Apple. I could not do another week or so away from my specialist blubbing interpreters. I was held to ransom by a computer part. I was in danger of drowning myself in my own sweat. I was frightened my friends and family would divorce the deranged chicken winged woman who had replaced their fun loving free spirit. I was turning evil. I was becoming… da da daaaahhhhh… she-bitch demon. Right! 

Pulled pork yourself together woman, I told myself as saliva dribbled down my chin. First things first: get computer back by letting Apple know you’re waiting on the return of your laptop before you can go home. Check – lovely guy went through records to see if someone had ordered that part and not returned Apple’s call for over two weeks to confirm repairs so the part can be used on my laptop, success, and it should be ready on Monday or Tuesday, yay! Second things second: get your flappy tuck shop arms into some air-conditioned accommodation. Check – housesit son’s place for the weekend as they were going away. Third things third: stay away from everything living for a couple of days. Check – apart from some over-the-phone specialist blubbing interpretation, two days were spent away from everything with a heart. (Oooh… I could… ah no, I do not eat offal.)

Time for a treat; I took myself off to see The Greatest Showman and felt right at home blubbing along with the woman sitting a couple of seats down. I did wonder if she was doing the Whole 30 or if she was exercising the she-bitch demon too. Comrades unite! (Chicken wing was still flapping a couple of minutes after this salute.) Driving back to Bris-Vegas with the air-cond on and the music loud, I sang, I screamed, I shouted and basically looked like a possessed nanna nightmare to the kids staring, pointing and screaming in horror as their parents drove past. Moo ha ha ha… Snap out of it, woman! Bitch slap. Ouch. Eyes on the road please. Well, stop bitch slapping me. Ouch. I was in trouble.

Even though my self-induced hermit-crab impersonation was interrupted by a phone call from the new perspiration splattered flatmate, complaining vehemently about CYA – oh yeah, it had been what… three days? – I did find myself relaxing in my solitude. Plus I learned I could turn my iPhone on silent, take the vibration off, turn it upside down and pretend the world was non-existent; I hear it’s called screening. Cool! See you can teach an old she-bitch new tricks. Speaking of tricks, it is okay to have the air conditioner on overnight, how else can you sleep through a Queensland summer night? I did not perform this particular magic trick at my son’s place though, being mindful of his black-belt miser-meister status; but seriously 50+ sweaty ladies… do it, it is worth a good nights sleep. I ate the last of my sweet potato and pumpkin tagine (sans the tagine): ta Jean! – and more nuts.

Day six (then seven then eight then…): I have leprosy! Itchy blisters have erupted on my chest like boiling custard. What the hell? Dr Search Engine on iPhone said it could be leprosy (not), keto rash or an egg allergy. Ah, well okay then. Why not throw something else at me. I had been having too much fun obviously. So, after a breakfast of eggs and other compliant foods, I ate potatoes, potatoes, and more potatoes. I watched fluff, fluff and more fluff on TV. I ate spuds, spuds and more spuds. I watched something unmemorable followed by something else unmemorable and then watched something forgettable. (Unforgettable is my relationship with potatoes. I love potatoes: particularly par-boiled, then olive oiled and sea salted, then baked. Yum. I salivate.)

My son had introduced me to broccoli steaks – a similar method to the roast potatoes above – WOW and KAPOW! Something had happened to my taste buds. They seemed to have become extremely sensitive to taste – possibly should have been sacked years ago as this was their only purpose, hence the name. Umami was bouncing around my buds like a knee-bounced bonny baby. (I thought of using ‘bouncing around like a bra-less nanna’s boobs but decided against it.) The clouds parted, sunrays shone through the kitchen window, the broccoli steaks gleamed in the glory and I ate them all in under five minutes. Flavour bombs were going off faster than raw prawns in the far north Queensland sun. All right! This Whole 30 thing is amazing. I was hooked. Recipe surfing; such a great way to distract oneself and… good exercise. 

It’s Monday and I had survived one full week of eating compliant food. I was quite proud of myself. I was feeling more energetic. My leprosy had eased. My taste buds were dancing with joy at not being sacked. My clothes were looser. The air conditioner was on. The she-bitch had been banished. What could possibly make me feel any better? Ta dah! There it was, a phone call from Apple. My laptop was ready for collection. Hallelujah! Swapping my computer for a thank-you card and a pair of avocado socks (as you do), I made preparations for the long drive home.